


Skunk Bear

by grayspider1974



Series: A Viking Bestiary [1]
Category: Vikings - Fandom
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-30
Updated: 2017-03-30
Packaged: 2018-10-13 01:08:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 707
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10503270
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grayspider1974/pseuds/grayspider1974
Summary: In which Ragnar's sons feast, drink and play silly pranks on each other until a member of the species gulo gulo arrives





	

**Author's Note:**

> Wolverine or "Skunk Bear":A large member of the mustelid family (genus gulo gulo) native to Canada and Northern Europe, commonly Solitary, omnivorous, highly intelligent and aggressive, these animals are both endangered and really dangerous. Not to be confused with Hugh Jackman, an impressively muscular member of the species Homo Sapiens....you'd probably be safer approaching him than an actual member of this species!   
> This is based on something that Old Ghost Eyes back when he lived in British Columbia. I did not know him then, but I will assume he wasn't making it up!

Author's Note: I do not own Vikings, I write these for fun. Please do not sue me, blood-eagle-me or impale me.   
"Well, it's official," said Kyllikylli Taapiolan, "Ivar the Boneless has drunk himself legless, and your other brothers are on their way to bed. Time to wrap up the party, Boss?" The youngest of Ragnar's sons was asleep under a picnic table which had been laid with a fine salmon that had been baked in clay, coleslaw with dill, various pickles, meats and cheese, a bowl of caviar that had been set in a tray of crushed ice surrounded by tiny glasses of vodka and garnished with sliced lemons and dill, little pastries and cakes, and an entire pit-roasted suckling pig that was not the handiwork of Nate the Belligerent Butcher of Byzantium but had been provided by Helga, who had started roasting the beast before dawn and as such was entitled to sit under a tree and enjoy almond pastries and most of a bottle of cloudberry vodka if she felt like it.  
"It's funny," said Bjorn "but Ivar only looks happy when he's unconscious. Who drew the mustache on him?" Bjorn took the little bone spoon that stuck out of the mound of caviar, scooped the tiny eggs onto the back of his hand, squeezed lemon on it and held his hand under Kylli's chin. She lapped it up like a cat, in the approved fashion.   
"I think it was Hvitserk," she said. "At least nobody tried to slip the Tir Manannan Lads mushrooms, like they did at your last birthday party. Queen Aslaug was terribly offended when Lucas started shouting about the Whore of Babylon....I believe she thought he was referring to her in person." Kylli fiddled with the dill flowers that she had braided into her hair, which had started to wilt, and downed a shot of vodka. "It was mortifying for all concerned." One of her brothers (it was hard to tell at this distance, but Bjorn thought it might have been Vaiko) danced past them doing the Slavic dance step known as "the creeper" followed by two giggling girls and headed for the woods, but the trio suddenly scooted out again followed by a long, brown furry shape that moved with a peculiar gait, setting its hind feet slightly in front of its forepaws.  
"Skunk bear!" whispered Kylli "and a bloody big one, too! Don't make any loud noises or sudden movements!" She and Vaiko backed away quietly, but the two other girls squealed and ran. Bjorn sat frozen with the tray of caviar in his lap. Wolverines are a species of large mustelid, and while smaller than bears they are so aggressive that bears and sensible humans leave them alone. Moreover, Bjorn had not brought his axe or his brown trousers to his birthday feast. The beast sauntered up and began eating from the bowl on his lap. Bjorn obligingly squeezed lemon over the fish eggs, glad that there was a tray of ice and a bowl between his crotch and the animal's teeth. He hoped that the wetness in his lap was run off from the tray, but he wasn't so sure.  
"Hungry?" he asked. "You have expensive tastes for a large weasel!" The skunk bear grunted, and moved on to the pickled eggs, the cole slaw, the fish, and the roast pork. Like humans, wolverines are omnivores, so the beast ate pretty much everything that was left on the table. Bjorn downed a couple shots of vodka, and watched the creature eat with the same obvious pleasure as any man or woman of the North, and eventually it crawled back into the forest, well-fed and pleased with itself. Bjorn looked down. His blue silk kaftan with the palm trees embroidered on it was sodden, but he was otherwise unharmed.   
At that point Ivar woke up and tried to sit up, but banged his head on the underside of the table. "What in Frigg's name just happened?" he asked, rubbing his head. "Did Ludmilla the Beast crash the party?"  
"A different sort of beast," said Bjorn. "Oh, by the way Ivar....you've got something on your upper lip." Bjorn rubbed his own upper lip. "Take care of it!"


End file.
